Wow, it's this part i dont like. I dont feel numb. I dont feel oversensitive or overwhelmed. I just... Feel inert. I want to say dead because i feel like that denotes a lack of concern for state of being. But i do care. I just... There's no activity going on underneath. No fire. No busyness. Which im not used to.

Dont tell me that. Enough. I know they're coming, but i dont wanna do that. It's not safe.
Before long were gonna show 'em. Just make it to.

God help me.
I am raw, and exposed. I feel... less than nothing right now, but I'm still, literally looking up. I can still see something else up there, out there, but I can't know what it is right now. I want to stay with JK, I know it, and I like it. But I know in my heart. I know with all my fibrous beings, that I can't grow here anymore. I never really could- It was a stable place to settle for a little while, and yes I did grow some, but not much.
I finally have get up and go that I haven't had in a long time, but I don't know what it means yet, and I'm scared. I'm scared of myself, and I'm scared of what's out there, and I'm scared of being alone. Please, give me the courage to keep going. Help me.

Oh, I need to fall apart. I need a solid week to be just a sobbing moody useless sot. Because weekends aren't enough anymore, there are too many demands on my time, and people don't seem to get "No". "Leave me alone". Others don't seem to Get. It.. Evidently I'm one of the few specimens on earth who can exist by herself- who needs to exist by herself sometimes. I grow weary of this earth. Somehow, it feels like it used to be ok for me to fall apart. I feel like I used to be able to. I don't know if that's true, but that's how my head remembers it.
Also, I used to have someone I could fall apart with, and for the first time in three years, it's really stinging that I don't have that anymore.

NO. NO no NO NO NO NO NO.

i WONT do it again. I'm anguished. I feel like there's weight I've shoved off for years and years is finally tipping back on to me. Or rather, there are things bursting out of me that are too... everything for me the manage.

To manage. To Manage everything. Why can't I not manage everything and things still be managed?

I finally stopped my period after 7 full days. I had hoped this emotional volatility was due to being hormonal, but now I just smell less and am not crampy anymore. If anything, my emotions are less muttled by the aches.

I don't know why I can't go back to not having grand emotions ( or atleast not acknowledging them) like it used to be. I hate feeling.

It's electric.
Mind's racing. We'll try and douse it before the fires spread and devour the fertile grounds from which all life grows.

Really not in control of my emotions today. The same rage i felt earlier in the week, over nothing. I'm chalking it up to wicked pms. I hope.

So many posts. But this is the only place i can dump these most private of thoughts.
Last night i was thinking so much about my grandpa Hodge. He passed away when i was 6 and i always mourned not having him around. He was such a comforting energy to me. I was focusing on him so. Much that i hoped to dream about him. But that's not how it works, is it?
Instead I dreamed about Leah. Beautiful, big eyed Leah, who one day in 6th grade i found out had the same purple sweater outfit as me and we wore it on the same day.
But in the dream, I was talking about Leah... TO Leah. I was walking through Trenton for some reason, with someone Ive known for a very long time. She looked and sounded like Leah but she wasnt Leah. And we passed a soccer field with children all around, and there was this one little girl about ten years old who looked EXACTLY like Leah did then.when i reacted so strongly to this girl, not real Leah asked who that was, and not real Leah knew who Leah was but didnt know her well. I was surprised she didnt know what happened.
I opened my mouth to start explaining... And my wretched alarm went off.

Sometimes drugged sleep is the best sleep. I had my freak out and my cry and im better. Im still torn, but i think staying up here is the best thing.

I constantly search for a sensible, logical, stable relationship out of my vigorous need for my own stability, believing that I can only maintain my own stability and vicarious faction of happiness through external sources. I only seek this kind of relationship because I don't believe that the undying, desperate, pure and innocent kind of love and relationship can exist and be healthy. I firmly espouse the notion that most of life is not inherently complicated; we only make it so, but I cannot accept or believe that a loving and enduring relationship can be equally as simple. In that, I don't mean easy. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, but it can be simple if a body allows it. Maybe love is one, if not the one, thing in life that isn't meant to be simple.
I want the kind of unassuming love a child has to give. AND I want the kind of rational relationship adults have that keep us from killing each other over such passions.


I ache. Oh, I ache. To be noticed, and loved. All of the gory ugly bits and everything. Passions. Thats something on my mind a bunch lately. I think i only feel passionate when im alone. Because I'm secretive. And private. And i dont like sharing the best parts of me with lots of people. Somehow it sullies it. Somehow i feel unclean and violated when im exposed. And it will then lessen the passions the whatever products may come.
In Florida i can be alone, and really myself. For once in my life, security be damned because for once, maybe i can be enough.
I'm sobbing. And aching. Physically aching. Two things which dont happen often.
I have absolutely no idea what to do or where to go.

Flew into an absurd, irrational rage after Heather was nasty to me earlier. And after raging at her over text and the phone, I came home and continued to rage and seethe for thirty more minutes. I'm still boiling a bit, but I've shut myself up in my room. In retrospect, that was much more of a reaction than I should have had and I regret it.